TUES 19TH MAY, 2014

kitchen thoughts this morning:

"Uni's over bitch. Clean up your shit. No excuses..."

(My thoughts this morning during the kitchen, while making breakfast and noticing all my housemate's washing up piled on the worktop. Thought in a joke kind way; Non serious)


Walking to and from the shop, I was very thoughtful.
I was thinking about my life, who I am, and what my future may possibly hold.
I do think a lot, but I was thinking about what I could do in terms of a job or possible career.
I don't think I want to go into a career based around art, that was never really the plan.

I like to help people.

I try and help others grow, or learn new skills, and to make them happy. I also try and do this whenever and wherever I can.
Maybe it's because I'm a humanitarian, that I feel the need for a job where I can be helping or teaching others.

But then I suppose you may be thinking
"What do I actually do for myself?"

I actually do a lot for myself, but maybe not in the conventional ways that one would. I like to dress smart, take care of my body, eat healthy, exercise, take time out, chill out with my friends.
Those things may be small things, but they make me happy.
I'm an individual, and not a generic human being.

I've also been thinking about myself a lot since I watched the film 'Like father,Like son'.
Are my abilities due to genetics, or are they learnt?
Was I like an empty sponge when I was born, waiting to absorb information?
Or were many of my attributes pre-programmed?
I wonder, would my life had been different if I had been raised in a different atmosphere, or would I still be the same, thinking the same thoughts with the same abilities?

From what I know, atmosphere is actually a large part of how a child develops in this world, so my guess is, if it had been different, so would had I.

I feel like I'm just starting to learn a lot of things now.
I know, It sounds silly.
I wasn't brought up in a big city.
Moving away has taught me a lot, and I feel that I will always be learning.
I don't think people ever stop learning in life.
Like art, there's never a goal to reach where you can master a talent. You can be very good, professional even, but you'll never know everything to know about it.

Today I've been indoors for the majority...slept very well last night, in fact overslept due to a late night.
I'll be skipping the shower tonight I think and just heading to bed.
Two showers a day can be a little much sometimes anyway.

Thought I'd write down my thoughts while they're here.
I'm extremely tired, but there's so much I want to do right now.
Bedtime is winning right now though...

  • Current Music
    Little Dragon



"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
-Jimi Hendrix

First off, I don't want to sound pretentious, and that is definitely not me. So here's my thoughts...

I've come to realise that when people talk, I tend to listen a lot. I'm interested in their personal opinions and viewpoints,and what they have to say... I admire how their mouth moves as they speak, and the way their eyes show emotion. I came across this quote by Jimi Hendrix a little while ago, and it's something that has made me stop and think about the way I interact with others.

I think a lot.

I find myself thinking things I could write down into a book if I could remember all my thoughts from when I'm alone, or walking by myself. Walking and thinking. But unfortunately, like dreams, my thoughts can also disappear within moments, forgotten and dissipated into nothingness.



As usual, I think about life.
I think about life a lot.
These past few weeks , no exception.

Like, just walking up or down my road. I pass people, and I wonder who they are, where they are going, and what their lives are like. Do they stand for the same beliefs as I do? Do they care about human rights or are they living blissfully in ignorance?

Just think, if all these people stood up against the system and voiced a strong opinion about whats wrong and right, then we might actually get somewhere. Problems with this is, that people don't really care, and would rather just 'get on with it' and stay ignorant to the obvious problems and struggles of those less fortunate to themselves.

The other problem is that not everyone believes in the same justice system, and that's where we have conflicts arising.

Should it be fair that murderers in jail are entitled to get married but if you're gay it's strictly prohibited?

Should it be fair that Dark skinned women are oppressed on a daily basis because of white supremacy and domination?

Should it be fair that there are people starving in countries but we cannot help as we are wasting more money on promoting the issues than actually dealing with them. Not to forget the middle man which is a barrier in making change.

Just some of the issues of our world that I think about daily. These are such examples, of a whole umbrella of thoughts I think about daily - these are larger scale subjects which have an offspring of about 10,000,000 other issues sprouting from them.

I want to help. I need to help. How will this world ever change if there are things that could be done and I'm not doing them? Yes I was born white, yes I have that automatic 'white privilege' but I want equality. I want my friends who are non-white to be treated the same way. To not have to get up in the morning and worry about walking down the street or facing abuse or to be told your a 'lesser' race because of something arbitrary such as skin colour.

I read a quote somewhere that race is not biological. It's a social construct. There are actually not sufficient distinct biological differences to deem a difference. We all look different, but on the inside we are all human.

Asians shouldn't be stereotyped into one group of "chinese" people just because of an epicanthic fold of the eyelids. The media has tainted this so much that some asian people are even resorting to eyelid surgery to look more western. I think it's an outrage. We should respect culture and people for who they are and live in peace.

We don't all need to look western , or white.
Media tells us otherwise though.

I've chose to break away.

I have never liked the system, and I've been told when I was a lot younger that "that's just the way is is, always has been, and you can't change it."
Well, maybe i can't alone, but I can try, just by by spreading my thoughts and ways of diversity. I want to make people think. Maybe I can do this through art, or just vocally.

If a man wants to wear a dress, let him, if a person feels they don't fit in with stereotypical gender roles, then that's not your business, if a dark person wants lighter skin or a light person wants darker skin, then let them BUT DON'T let it be for the reason that media tells you have to be this fake vision of beauty.

Everyone has a different perception of beauty.
I don't believe beauty  is limited to white and black. Dark is beauty. Light is beauty. Beauty is the world we live in, and it's up to us to help it flourish, not tear down, or drain it's natural resources.

Whats silly is, that people don't realise we are endangering our own species by doing so.

I think I'm going on a bit now. So that's my thoughts for today.

After uni...

This worries me, but this is the last year of uni, and I want to make sure I will leave with a secure plan ahead. I don't want to return back to my parent's house with a degree, no money, and nowhere to live.

I want to make something of my life, and I want to teach. I want to teach others art, so they can also express their freedom be themselves. So they can feel their own personal freedom, or share with others.
Art is a freedom like no other.
To teach would be rewarding, and a worthwhile job for me.

So my way forward would be to get funding for a PGCE, and I would like do do a masters, and then onto a PHD.
It will cost a lot, and take a lot of time, but I want to make something of my life.
I just need to figure out what order I need to do these in.

I do not want to return home permanently. I want to live in London, or move away completely.
It's expensive, but I believe in myself and I believe I can make this happen.
This is a very long post, but there's a lot on my mind.

Right now, I need to be starting on a 8,000 - 10,000 worded essay for my dissertation.
I also have another main project, which is on racism and stereotypes in media.
So, I will end my journal post for today right here.


“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” ― Bob Marley


I think it’s great for two people to be together. That is a good number. I think, that to keep it alive though, you can’t spend every day together. It wears out the magic, Love means nothing to me if it’s not fortified with fierce, painful longing, brief explosive instances of furious passion and intimacy and then a sad parting for a time. In that way, you can give your life to it and still have a life of your own. I think some couples spend too much time together. They flatten out the potential for experience by constant closeness. Passion builds over time like steam. Let it rage until it’s exhausted and then leave it alone to let it build up again. Why can’t love be insane and distorted? How can it be vital if it has the same threshold as normal day-to-day experience? Why can’t you write burning letters and let your nocturnal self smolder with desire for one who is not there? Why not let the days before you see her be excruciating and ferment in your mind so on the day you go to the airport to pick her up, you’re nearly sick with anticipation? And then when desire shows the first sign of contentment, throw it back in its cage and let it slowly build itself back into a state of starved fury. Then when you are together, it all matters. So that when you look into her eyes, you lose your balance, so that when she touches you, it feels like you have never been touched before. When she says your name, you think it was she who named you. When she has gone, you bury your face in the pillow to smell her hair and you lie awake at night remembering your face in her neck, her breathing and the amazing smell of her skin. Your eyes go wet because you want her so bad and miss her so much. Now that is worth the miles and the time. That matches the inferno of life. Otherwise you poison each other with your presence day after day as you drag each other through the inevitable mundane aspects of your lives. That is the slow death that I see slapped on faces everywhere I go. It’s part of the world’s sadness that’s more empty than cold, poorly lit rooms in cities of the American night.
Henry Rollins


I am only human.
Humans are not perfect in the way they act. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes they get hurt.
The past cannot be undone, but it can be made better in the future.
Humans can change for the better or for the worse.
If a human is worth keeping hold of, then they will reciprocate and do all they can in return to keep you also.
Humans also don't last forever. So if you are human, make your time on this earth count and just be you.
Don't ever waste a second worrying or feeling down, as life is far too short for that.
Life is full of uncertainties and instability, but we can just do our best to make the most of what we have got.
So take care and be strong.




After all the time
After you
Had you seen me with someone new
Hanging so high for your return
But the stillness is a burn

Had I seen it in your eyes
There'd have been no try after try
Your leaving had no goodbye
Had I just seen one in your eyes

I can't give it up
To someone elses touch
Because I care too much

Could you tell
I was left lost and lonely
Could you tell
Things ain't worked out my way

Wish the best for you
Wish the best for me
Wished for infinity
If that ain't me

Give it up
I can't give it up

I can't give it up
To someone elses touch
Because I care too much

Give it up
I can't give it up

- Infinity , The XX.


Life is changing.
I guess I am changing.
I don't know what to think anymore.

Christmas here is lonely. I just tend to get on with things and wait for bedtime so I can shut off for a few hours, then get up and do it again the next day.

I'm not looking forward to going back to uni at all.
I've recently been thinking about leaving university, but I don't really have a back up plan. It would be come home and on job seekers. Which is NOT what I want to do. I want to work , and build up some money so I can move out of Portsmouth when uni finishes, or at least get my own place somewhere on the mainland.
I don't want to live on the island, and it's too expensive as well.

Being back on the island, I feel isolated from the rest of the world.
It's a weird feeling.

The last time I went to London, It felt like it was 'homely' and comforting. Like that feeling you get when you you are away from a place and you just step back in to that familiarity and it's a nice feeling. It felt like that.
It was the first time since the summer I had been back to London.

The first time since breaking up with my girlfriend.

Sometimes I get that feeling when coming to the island, and sometimes even with returning to Portsmouth. But no all the time.

Yesterday was an ok day. A bit quiet.
I did manage to speak to some of my friends through text and spoke to my grandad on the phone too. He seemed really happy to hear from me. That was nice.
I pretty much just watched films for most of the day while browsing internet and whats app-ing Joy.

Today has been the same, but i'm extremely tired.
I can feel myself slowly drifting off at times.
Maybe I'll forget about dinner for tonight and just sleep instead.

I miss Ruby. She was always my nap buddy. I'd come home from college every day and nap with her.
Her purring would help me sleep easily, and she would always sleep by my side.

I love you Ruby, and I miss you more than words.



Haven't posted in a loooonnnng time.
I'm currently on my Christmas holidays, and I'm back on the island. But no one else is here. Mum and Ro went away for Christmas to CentreParks. Didn't sound like my cup of tea, so I stayed here instead. Chris didn't want to go either, so he stayed at his house too. Christmas here is a little weird this year, but I'm so glad I got to spend our own little Christmas with Joy. It was such an amazing time.
We had Christmas eve on the 13th Dec, Christmas day on the 14th, and our Boxing day on the 15th.

On the 13th, in the evening at 7pm, we were going inside Guidhall to go and see the XX play live. It was freezing cold outside and started to rain a tiny bit, but we went in soon after the clock went off. It was amazing. The music was very loud, but the bass was something altogether different. It was so deep, that it distorted the music , and made the view of the stage go fuzzy. We sat directly in front of the stage, in the outer circle. It was a good view! Afterwards, we went to Tesco and got some nibbles for the walk home.

On the 14th, Joy was preparing the Christmas meal during the day, while I was wrapping presents and running a bath (I've got a feeling we may have been in bed before that, but I do remember having breakfast...or lunch?) and I was helping with the making of the dinner too, then went to jump in the bath. After that, we swapped over, I did the food , and Joy went in the bath, but I had forgotten to buy gravy granules, so had to run out for some down the shop (sainsburys local).
Our christmas meal was amazing when it was done. We went all out on our christmas meal and had a massive meal haha. We had roast potatoes, roast parsnips, stuffing, turkey, swede, veggies, the lot! Even yorkshire puddings!
After, we had a small Christmas cake! Mmmmmmmmm!!!! Was such a great day!!!!

On the 15th, we left for London for a few days. I have to say, that time in London, with Joy, was amazing. I didn't want to leave, but we had such a great time. We did so much too!!!

As soon as we got in, we dumped our bags in her room and went to see her mum, who hugged both of us , We put the present for her family I bought under the tree, and then we had a cup of green tea each and joy had some pringles! We sat on her little car seat sofa and just chilled out before walking to Kentish town and buying weekly passes for our Oyster cards, which cost £18!

She took me to get my Christmas present, which was a total surprise , right up until that evening!!! We went to Camden in the evening and she took me into the shoe shop and said she was gonna buy me a pair of Doc Marten's!!!!! I couldn't believe it, it was such a nice gift, but so expensive!!! I naturally objected because of such price, but then we decided to go into the West End to see if they were cheaper there, and she also got student discount :D

I felt so happy. They are such a special gift, and they mean a lot to me. They bring me memories of such fun and happiness we shared in London, and I am truly grateful for such a nice gift.

Walking through Camden when it had started to get dark with Joy was just amazing. Everything felt so good. No uni, no work, no deadlines...nothing, just freedom.

I already had one present for her, but I wanted to give it to her ideally when I left so she would be left with a nice surprise and something to keep her happy incase she was sad after I had to leave. So I gave her that present on the night before I had to leave. I had bought her something I knew she really wanted, Sims 3 for her mac.

Buttttt while we were out shopping in the west end for my present, we went in many shops, but we got my boots in Schuh. We were walking around down Carnaby Street and found a new Doc. Marten's shop which neither of us knew about or had been to before, so we went in, had a browse , and Joy tried on some timberland-style boots, but decided they looked too much like her other boots, so wasn't too sure about getting them. I wanted to make sure that I would buy her something which she would love, so we didn't get them. But I did get her two pairs of really nice shoe laces from there for her doc marten's she already had! They put it in the most cutest bag ever!!!! Even the lady at the counter commented BEFORE ME on how cute it was!!!!!!
I think we were both getting really hungry after walking round so much, so decided to get the bus back home.

The day after, we woke up early and went out with Russie skateboarding. It was still quite wet on the ground, but it was sunny, and the ground was drying out slowly and we had fun on a dry patch we found. Afterwards, Joy and I went back home , and then we decided to go out to get some lunch.

We had so much fun. We did so much. I can't write it all here as it was all too amazing.
I managed to get Joy some doc Martens she really liked!!!! They look so amazing on her too.
I also bought her a really nice lumberjack style shirt/jacket from Rokit in covent garden.

Our little Christmas and holiday, and the time we spent together was just amazing. I will never forget it and it will always be special to me.

Photos from our Christmas :



Love isnt forced or classed as a relationship. It just happens.

If it does, then maybe you should embrace it and enjoy it while you can. Lifes too short for games and pain.

Love isnt about classification or having to be labelled as "in a relationship" or "just friends" . Love is how you feel, and thats just the way it works.

I love you. I know you love me too, im just not sure if you would ever admit to it. I dont believe you would be so cruel to sleep with me all those times, snuggling up close, stroking my body, or having sex because we started to kiss. We are obviously more than the average friends. Im not asking for a long term commitment or a relationship label. I just want us to be happy together and let the love flow like it used to , without barriers.

Im wiser now. I can accept being away from you. I am fine as long as I know you love me, as that keeps me happy. Wouldn't that make you happy too?

Is it you are scared you will be punished if your parents found out the truth? Are you scared of commitment? I just want to enjoy my time on earth and id love to spend it snuggling in your arms , spoiling you, or kissing you occasionally. Im not asking for marraige. I would settle for only seeing you every other day, week, month, year or weekends only.

I have always said I would be there for you. I said I would be there to hold your hand and pick you up when life gets you down. Thats what love is.



It's Sunday today, so i guess I didn't write for yesterday.
Raven came over on Friday afternoon. It was nice to see her. We came back to my house and sat in my room and just talked for a bit, then after that we all went to the old vic for a drink and to meet the others from the lgbt society for a meeting about a few things. I had a drink called Rekorderlig...was supposed to be mango and something...I can't remember, but it tasted more like peach...and even the illustration on the front looked like a damn peach! But it's not. Apparently.
We( Raven, Joy, and myself) had Tangs takeaway for dinner, then went back out to Weatherspoons after eating.


Handed in my project this morning.
Set it all up on the wall in the order I want etc. So hope it's gonna get me a pass at the least.

Raven is coming round today, so I need to meet her at the train station later this afternoon. She's gonna stay the night.

There's a meeting at the old vic tonight too, so need to go to that also.
It's about the upcoming night to a nightclub in Southampton.


It's early morning...about nine something. I'm already up, dressed, and ready to go. I have to wait in for my passport to arrive today, which was supposed to be delivered last week but no are we supposed to know? Eek. I waited in all day yesterday, HAD to pee, and they turned up didn't they?! So I missed that. I got up at like 7:30am and all.

I have a cold, I think it's slowly getting better now though.

Listening to the xx.

Been crying daily.
Yesterday I cried upon her pillow, but I wasn't looking so good because of the cold, she just thought it was that, and it was easily disguised.
I keep feeling dizzy, like feint...

I prayed to God the other day. Asking for direction, or help.
I'm so lost.
I think he helped a little.
Or maybe I'm just believing.
I don't know.

I have to start work soon.
Work as in three more pieces on my sequential art project. I have zero energy to do it either, not to mention the fact it's absolutely freezing in here.
My feet are cold today.

Oh, I need to brush my teeth...and sleep for another eight hours. I might feel a bit better then.

I'm so broken hearted.
Every time I look at her, I break down.
Another little piece of me wears away inside. I'm almost gone.
It is killing me.
Hurting me everyday.
My heart and my soul.
Completely damaged now.
No longer able to function.
I am actually dead.
  • Current Music
    The XX


Today has been pretty crap so far,
It's a busy day, project deadlines are looming, and Joy has been pretty hostile towards me today.
I hate it.

I know she's stressed, and I want to make it all better for her, but I can't.
I can't because she won't let me get close.


Have you ever been so deeply in love with someone that it's reached your soul?
I have.
What if that person who once felt in love with you said they no longer love you?
Do you know how that feels?
I do.
It feels like the very life of me has been drained from my body.
Moods are low, future looks bleak, and even vibrant colours look dull.
The pain consumes you.
Taking over you.
My mind keeps hoping.
That is all that is keeping me alive right now.
Tiny hints of hope, slowly fading away.
Slipping through my fingers.
Just out of reach.
But never touching.
It's all gone.
My life.
My body.
My soul.
My dreams.
All destroyed by love.
Goodbye my love.
May we meet again in those memories I hold so dear.
May we once touch again and feel that love I could never feel for another.
You were the one.
You were the only one.
My heart has never known the meaning of love until I met you.
I'll wait for you forever.
In my dreams.
In my hopes.
In my memories.
I love you.
I wish you could understand just how much.


I think today may just be one of those days, I have that feeling already.
Trying to sort out a renewal for my passport is proving to be harder than I thought, and i'm trying to fit everything in to today: appointments etc, and of course, my uni work.

Yesterday I spent roughly eight hours in a row working on it as I've fallen so far behind.
I'm tired, and concentration has pretty much left me altogether.
I was up until about midnight working, but then the housework took over, as I just had to use that new but second hand hoover that Alwin finally gave to us, about five weeks after we moved in - which is when it should have been with us.

So my bedtime was around one-ish, but I could not sleep at all. Thoughts of everything, and anything to keep me awake.

I'm sure my mind and body have private conflicts often, I can't think of any other rational reason to explain why it would be so cruel to my body. My body works hard to keep busy, my brain gets tired... So my brain fights back when my body is tired. An endless battle for peace and tranquility.

So I'm currently walking. Heading towards Eldon and then the Nuffield centre for some counseling.


Well I'm all alone anyway. Out, in in the house.
My ex girlfriend has gone to London.
I know i shouldn't be thinking about her, but I am.
In fact, I can't get her off my mind.
I'm a bit calmer now, after everything, but that same pain still remains....tearing me up inside, clawing away at my insides, piercing my stomach and endless scars upon my heart keep being revisited and the pain is so much.I just have to keep it all inside.
I can't let her know I feel like this.
It's not fair.
It would hurt her.
So all my pain remains,inside of me.
Killing me slowly.
Love Hurts.


I didn't want to write here.
I hurt, deep inside.
Its a torture that doesn't want to leave because its gripping onto that small portion of hope. Just thinking she may just turn round and say it was a mistake and she really does want me. But I don't think she would. Every passing day that portion of hope gets smaller and smaller, leaving me sadder and sadder. I'm trying really hard to be her friend but all I can think of is being with her and having those intimate moments and good times again.
It hurts. In my chest. In my throat. In my stomach. It all hurts.

Today I had uni...I walked to class with my ex in the pouring rain. We both got soaked. It was almost an hour long walk. Sitting in the lecture room was uncomfortable as my trousers were soaked through, and my shirt was wet, and probably my jumper too.
people in our class started talking to her. It was upsetting as it seemed like she spoke to them nicer than she does to me. But I'm glad for her happiness in selling that t-shirt.
This evening, she put on music at dinnertime...Bombay bicycle club...and it hurt me with every word of their lyrics. It hurt so much to sit next to her and think what it once was. I had to leave. I had to be alone. So I got up and went to my room and told her she could come visit me in a little while if she wanted. But she didn't. She didn't even come to check if I was ok...not even just to the foot of my door and ask. She stayed away. That hurt. I found it hard to concentrate on my work too.

All in all, today has been a pretty shit day...and that's today...there's been lots like this ever since she told me she didn't want me. I just drift around the house, taking in all the pain, absorbing her harsh words or everytime she denies me a hug. All I do is be nice. And caring. And loving. I can't take much more. I have feelings, but it seems like she doesn't feel any pain at all.
  • Current Mood


Last night she fell asleep on my bed.
She looked so innocent as she calmly slept. I took off my fluffy robe and gently threw it over her so she wouldn't get cold.
She was so tired last night, I helped her do everything to get ready for bed that I could... I helped with her hot water bottle since she burnt herself trying to pour the water, I helped her get dressed, and warmed her pyjamas, and then I stayed and stroked her head to soothe her headache.
She said I could sleep in her bed.
So I did.
But we ended up making love. Sex. Whatever you want to call it.
During those times she stated she loved me several times.
But I don't think she does.
This morning we had sex again.
Not boring or routine sex, neither was last nights. It was hot, fiery, and fierce. Like we hadn't seen each other in a while and just couldn't keep our hands off one another. It was like that.
But today after that she has pretty much ignored me most of the day.
So I guess I know where I stand. 

Its now some ridiculous time of the night, probs about 4am. She wants to be alone.  Its almost 6am, and I'm still awake.
I cannot sleep.
I feel bad for saying what I did to her.
I went in her room to check if she was ok, and she was sleeping softly.
My heart hurts. The pain is kicking in.
Worst thing is, she doesn't give a damn about me or how much I love her.

When I went into her room to say what I thought, I didn't want to do it. I'm scared of making things worse.I give my all, I give everything, and get minimal in return. Its not fair I should feel suicidal and cry and then be the one who feels in the wrong, and get shouted at or get told to go away.

How can she do this to me, after everything we have been through? I tried so hard in all areas.
If one area was going well, it would have to be the sex, the making love and that closeness that comes with it.

This is going to be so hard for me, but I need to move on and stop believing she loves me, when the bottom line is, she doesn't.  
  • Current Mood


Why do I always feel this way? 
Why does it always hurt me more than it hurts her?
She keeps pushing and pushing me away.
All my attempts to be nice are genuine, yet all I get back is anger and pain. 
A pain that digs into you deep and really hits where it hurts.
Tonight, all I did was visit to show my love and affection, only to be called 'annoying' in return and then made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong.
So I'm slow, so I'm tired.
I can't think fast or be on top form after a sleepless night.

She thinks like a time bomb, ticking away, counting down, leaving me with less and less time to answer as each second passes. I can't do it. I'm just not good enough.

I went in, and got in her bed.
I wanted to hold her, feel her in my arms, so I hugged her and started to kiss her. She then pulled me away and questioned me as to where I was sleeping , and I genuinely had a mind block. I couldn't answer, and as I finally got those words together, the countdown timer had gone off and she had already given me the "fine. I'll talk to myself" line.

After that I pursued kissing her after saying I am talking , and she kept pushing me away asking the same question. But by this time I was also questioning if she wanted me there, so asked if she wanted me there and she just got annoyed further and further until an argument broke out.

So I'm here in my own bed, and she's in hers. She said time out. The thing is about time out is that I go away and think, she rolls over and sleeps, leaving me upset and annoyed all alone with no one but my diary to talk to.  
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Today has been a slow day.
I've been really bored stuck in my room for the majority of the day. Doing what? Well nothing much really. Just moving some of my cds onto my ipod, and by hand as no internet connection to pull the data from. So a pretty slow process indeed.

My ex girlfriend has been weird with me all day. I'm starting to think that maybe her cover up saying she's not good enough was really a cover up for some temporary love while really she's not sure and doesn't feel the same for me anymore.
I'm fed up with this and the silly mood swings she has. Either she loves me or she doesn't?
She didn't kiss me goodnight last night. Neither did she wake up and smile and want to hug me and kiss me like she did in the beginning of the week.

Maybe I'll choose to sleep in my own bed tonight, alone . Just for a little space.

Was it just her emotions playing with her?

Why do I feel like this? Always feel so confused. One day I feel love from her, the next I don't feel anything from her at all.

It feels like sometimes all she cares about is herself.

I miss Ruby. Its so different feeling alone when she's not here. I guess that's because with her, I never really was alone. she would probably have loved it here. A nice big double bed to sleep on, with lots of space throughout the house, and stairs to play on. We would have had lots of fun here, but she deserves a better home with a garden. I couldn't keep her indoors all the time. There's no garden here.

I feel like I need to relax. So maybe another camomile tea and a nap.
I already peeled and cut the potatoes ready for dinner tonight so no rush to do that. 
Guess tea and music then.
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Since my girlfriend and I talked that night, things have changed a bit and I feel a lot more love from her. I feel loved, and I love her. I feel love for her strongly, like I always have done.

Money is getting tight. We have both been living off my savings since we moved here, and she has done her best to contribute too with the little money she has. I hope that everything goes as planned and that we will both receive our student finance on the dates stated. We have worked all finances and outgoing money around it so its crucial that it doesn't fail to pay.

I've spent the majority of the day in my room today, just attempting to fix my laptop, to find out that its problems are way deeper than what I knew of. I'm guessing it may need a trip to the apple store, but I cannot afford anything like that at this point of time.
I'm glad it decided to eject the disc and turn back on though so I can continue to use it broken. That's better than not being able to use it at all.

Today my back has been painful, sending the pain all down my left leg too, right to my ankle. So I'm relaxing with a hot water bottle and a camomile tea. 
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The past couple of days have been nice. The night I mentioned before in the last post wasn't a full post, as we talked in the evening and ended up staying up quite late into the night talking. She told me she loves me. She also said that the reason why she told me she had fallen out of love with me was just a cover up for a deeper problem of her not feeling 'good enough' for me.

I feel that sometimes though too, but around the other way : that I'm the one who's not good enough. 

Maybe we both just really need to talk to each other about these things more. 
I love to talk to her, especially about things in depth and I long to know how she is feeling , if she's ok, or what is going on in her mind. I love her, and I want to be there for her. I would just really love it if we could explore our minds and hearts in a little more depth sometimes. 
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This morning my girlfriend told me she didn't love me anymore. My heart feels a bit like a yo-yo sometimes. This relationship feels like a roller coaster which just keeps going up and down. I decided to go out for most of the day today, and think about other things. Do other things.
I guess I knew this would happen.
She didn't seem sure during the week and everything I did just felt worthless, like it wasn't appreciated or really acknowledged. 
I did my best. I really wanted it to work. She's pushed me away so much and hurt me so deeply so many times that there has to be a point where I just cannot feel upset about it anymore as I was before.
Maybe its hard to feel completely disconnected as a couple as she still lives here.
We just moved in last week.
I don't know what things will be like from now on, but I guess I will be doing everything alone again.
One thing I don't understand that she said was I don't talk to her like we used to. How? I talk to her all the time about everything. She usually says she doesn't want to talk if I even raise the subject. Its so hard for me to say anything to her anymore.

This morning she really insulted me when she said what she did. She said it felt like we were pretending. 


What an insult to even think that, let alone say it to my face. 
Every ounce of my body loved her.
To say that is "pretending" really is horrible. 

All my love feels wasted I guess, on someone who just doesn't return it.
Someone who doesn't care.
She's more focused on her own life and her being herself.
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